Archive for November, 2011
How To Deal With Lying Teenagers
As a parent you would like to trust your children; but teenagers lie and the bond is broken, it puts a strain on the relationship. Once a parent realizes they have been lied to, feelings of anger may surface. While it seems to be a fact that teens and lies are like two peas in a pod, you want to know what steps to take to help your teen stop lying so that trust can be regained somewhere along the way.
The main thing to realize is that there may be many reasons why your teen is lying. Maybe they have become involved with the wrong crowd and feel that lying that is the only way they will fit in. You may also find that they use lying as a defense mechanism. A boost of self-esteem can also be a reason for lying. Whatever the reason, you want your teen to know that lying can cause serious consequences.
Tips for Dealing with Lying Teenagers
One of the most unfortunate occurrences in the parent and teen relationship is that to a teen telling a lie is not as serious as it is to the parent. It is understandable for a parent to feel a sense of responsibility when their teens lie. There may even be feeling guilty or a sense of failure. But there are some things to consider when it comes to dealing with a lying teen.
- Grasp the fact that your teenager will lie. This will help lessen the shock a bit and perhaps ease your mind of thoughts of them trying to purposely harm you. It is important to be detached and objective so that you are more aware when your teenager is lying.
- If you begin to question a teen and they are lying, they usually become defensive. A normal occurrence of lying is becoming defensive or throwing fits to try to distract you from reaching the bottom line.
- Attempt to establish eye contact. If your teen is having a hard time keeping that contact and they look in any other direction but yours, chances are they are lying. Watch their actions too because they usually speak louder than words if a lie is being told.
- Watch for body language and listen to detail. When someone lies they may either avoid giving detail or share way more than you asked for. Body language may go from a confident stance to being fidgety or touches their mouth or and face. And because of the detail be it a lot or a little, their stories may change again is you ask them to repeat the story one more time.
The moment you suspect your teen is lying, you need to give it immediate attention before it gets worse. Let them know you want to trust them and that lying will simply break the bond of trust you may have. Remember that trying to trap them in a lie is just as dishonest as the lie they may tell.
Explain to them how important it is to have a honest and respectful relationship and that anything outside of that will have clear consequences. Spell those consequences out so that they understand.
You, the parent must lead by example. Your teen needs to hear you being truthful. Even telling little white lies can lead your child away from success when it comes to be honest.
Teens and lying do not have to go hand-in-hand in your life if you take the necessary steps to break the habit early on. Recognize when they are lying, deal with the situation immediately, and explain that your expectation of them does not include dishonesty. You may soon find that they meet your expectation and so much more.
Written by Aurelia Williams
Planting the Seeds of God’s Word
The Parable of the Sower provides a model for approaches to challenging character of our youth:
4 And when a great crowd was gathering and people from town after town came to him, he said in a parable, 5 “A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell along the path and was trampled underfoot, and the birds of the air devoured it. 6 And some fell on the rock, and as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. 7 And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked it. 8 And some fell into good soil and grew and yielded a hundredfold.” As he said these things, he called out, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” ~Luke 8:4-8 ESV
In this first approach, we encourage teens to adopt the outward symbols of faith. These might be wearing a cross around the neck or a WWJD bracelet around the wrist. The “symbols” might also be carrying their own Bible or listening to Christian music. It is a strategy common among parents and youth leaders who are trying to get a teenager to buy into Christian character, and while not wrong in itself, these outward symbols alone do not constitute true faith. Nor do they necessarily lead to the embracing of faith, as they are easily discarded or “eaten by the birds”.
This second approach tries to control the behavior of the young people. It might take two forms: positive and negative. A “negative” approach is to try to get the person to stop practicing behavior that is contrary to Christian character. This may be done by any means from gentle coercion through to outright threat. A more “positive” approach adopted by some is to urge the young person to embrace Christian behavior, which might be moral (doing the right thing), and/or spiritual, such as carrying a Bible, attending church and youth group, coming forward at a meeting, or being baptized. Neither strategy in itself is likely to achieve ultimate success, as the focus is on outward behavior and not the heart. The result is “shallow soil” and any apparent evidence of faith quickly “withers for lack of moisture.”
Another approach to lifestyle change is to try to impose parental values upon the teen. A common way we do this is by establishing certain Christian values as part of the culture of our youth ministry and expecting conformity. Generally these values are positive values such as kindness to others and respect for leadership. They may even be backed up by the majority of the youth group who adopt them and in doing so exert a positive peer pressure on the newcomer. Yet as desirable as this is, conformity to these values does not constitute conversion. A young person may exhibit adherence to these values while in the youth group, and yet once faced with conflicting circumstances and pressures may find these values easily “choked”
A more effective way to challenge culture is to focus on what is true. By giving teens accurate information they are able to receive the seed of God’s word and go on to “produce a crop one hundred times as much as had been planted.” Yet many are unable to receive this truth, blinded by the false worldview which has captivated them. If they are to be set free to embrace Christian character they must be impacted at a more profound level.
Kiara (18)
W D Tyree Ministries gave me my first opportunity to lead. My team was participating in a beautification project. It seemed like busy work at first until others started to notice what a difference we were making and commented, “good job.” It would have been easy to walk away from doing this outside project. The weather was extremely hot and humid. The work was challenging and the adult who assigned us the job had very low expectations of us. Hearing people say, “it looks good” or “good job” made me realize that you don’t have to be an adult to make a difference. You don’t need much education or skill to make a difference. All you need to make a positive contribution is a heart of compassion and an understanding of community. I learned to put the needs of others ahead of my own and that by working together even unpleasant tasks can be accomplished in a relatively short time. I also learned that sometimes you have to help others see the significance of their contribution.
Kailah (18)
The mission experience with W D Tyree Ministries taught me compassion. I cannot begin to express the tremendous impression it left on my life. In Kenya, I did a whole lot of growing up. My relationship with God grew stronger as I learned to live for Christ by serving others. I remember one time, in particular, when our team distributed clothing at an orphanage. I had sorted through some of the gently used clothing that was donated, wondering why anyone would want these items. The expressions on the faces of children who received them were as if Christmas had come early. It made me cry knowing that a heart of compassion goes a long way. It made me appreciate things back in America and be more willing to share my blessings.
Teaching Servanthood
If your kids ever wonder, “What does God look like?” send them to me. I’ve seen His hands. I’ve seen them all my life – on an Iowa couple named George and Ruth. Before I could even read, I watched those hands empty bedpans, prepare sponge baths and feed Ruth’s elderly mother. During my teen years, after a drunk driver demolished our car with my whole family inside, I watched those hands build a mini-hospital in our livingroom. They made meals, washed sheets, scrubbed dishes and administered medications for months.
In the 61 years of George and Ruth’s marriage, those hands regularly delivered meals to shut-ins, scraped plates at church functions and hugged strangers in nursing homes. Today, George is 91 and Ruth is 86, but they don’t seem to notice. Those hands still fold bulletins, stuff envelopes for church mailings, and squeeze the shoulders of neighbors in their assisted living apartments.
George and Ruth haven’t ended world hunger. They haven’t cured AIDS. They just see needs and quietly, tenderly meet them. My grandparents put flesh and bone to God’s great love.
Those hands not only changed who I was – they changed who I want to be.
Being “God’s Hands”
Have your kids seen God’s hands? It’s great to talk about Jesus washing feet and feeding crowds, but those accounts are just bedtime stories to children who don’t witness servant behavior in their world.
That realization convicts me to examine my definition of “servanthood.” See, I’m a doer. I count my day successful if I’ve marked everything off my checklist. If you’re like me, you may even battle a production mentality in the realm of serving. Teaching Sunday school classes or taking someone a meal or writing a check to charity are all good activities. But are we cheerful givers? Or are we just trying to fill a quota? Hoping to impress someone? Attempting to get the church staff off our backs?
I’m not dissing day planners and lists, but my hunch is that Jesus wouldn’t use them. He seemed to keep his schedule open for divine appointments. He never avoided a task that was “beneath” Him or considered any person unworthy of His time.
Sure, He got frustrated: He wept for our lack of understanding, but He never gave up on His mission. Whether He was performing a marvelous miracle or holding a child, He did everything with great compassion.
He asked us to do likewise. Take time. Be humble. Keep on. Love.
Simple commands…but hard commands. Commands that don’t fit on a checklist.
Like God himself, our kids aren’t tracking the number of our activities or judging how “good” those works may seem. They’re watching to see if our hands are working in tandem with our hearts.
Earthly Rewards for Servanthood
Growing up in church, I learned that following Christ’s example led to heavenly treasures. What I didn’t know was how richly God rewards servant behavior here on earth!
Maybe you’ve experienced those feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction after helping someone…but that’s just the beginning. Numerous studies link mental and physical health benefits with servanthood. Other research suggests that kids with a servant mindset have higher GPAs, better reading comprehension, sharper critical thinking and problem solving skills, higher levels of creativity, and a greater understanding of and appreciation for others. Kids who are given opportunities to serve others also tend to make healthier lifestyle choices and develop better social skills than those who don’t volunteer.
Even kids as young as five can reap some of these benefits, research suggests. Deborah Spaide, author of Teaching Your Kids to Care: How to Discover and Develop the Spirit of Charity in Your Children says that parents do their children a disservice by sheltering them too much from the world’s suffering.
“Kids can only go on for so long, feeling such painful empathy without any opportunity to do anything about it, before they begin to tell themselves to stop feeling anything at all.” Spaide says.
She suggests pointing them toward altruism before they become hardened, because serving others “helps kids discover their talents, hone their skills and begin to believe in themselves.”
Aspects of Servanthood
It’s never too early to being cultivating servantlike traits. If we start by teaching and modeling basic kindness, we lay a foundation for communicating the value of work and charity. Some worthwhile aspects of servanthood to teach include
- Empathy and compassion: Around the time they start talking, children are capable of empathy. When psychologists studied young children whose parents were physically or emotionally hurt, they observed that the kids either sought to solve the problem or offered comfort and kindness to the parent. It’s critical that we nurture this inherent concern for others.
- Godly work ethic: The Bible frequently warns against idleness, asserting that it leads to ruin. Work is not a punishment from God but a means by which we develop character. People who comprehend the purpose of work – and who find satisfaction in a job well done – are most likely to behave in ways that will improve their world.
- Volunteering, serving and giving: In God’s economy, our time and money are not our own. We are stewards of his earthly kingdom. People who understand and act on this principle set themselves up to receive abundant blessing, in this life and the next!
- Discernment in Servanthood: Compassion must be tempered by wisdom. Kids need to recognize that even if their motives are pure, other people’s may not be. There are ways they can protect themselves while giving their time and money as wisely as possible.
by Carolyn MacInnes